Reaching You

words.

2012-02-22T13:06:00.000+08:00

without much deep thought, we can't possibly keep promises to ourselves.
if we can't refelct what's so wrong about something, we can't possibly change.
and if we can't accept our mistakes, we can't possibly learn.

actions are louder than words. and people only boast around too much. that's pathetic.

purity.

2012-02-17T17:53:00.000+08:00

nothing beats seeing a mother guiding her little child to pray.

and i went.. "ahh....so this is how i could do it in the future..."

idle.

2012-02-14T10:41:00.000+08:00

just when i'm idling and chilling, others are working hard and overtake each other.
it's war out there; you can't rest. but here i am resting like a mule.

but trust me, i've been crazier.

2012-02-09T22:23:00.001+08:00

All the earth is a place of prostration,
Every field and meadow, mountain, park, city, farm plantation.
Every roadside, seaside, hillside, walkway,
Any place clean and green can be a place to pray
When I think of every path, where I've ever trot,
I laugh at all the crazy spots I stopped to worship God.

Saturday shopping day, in a busy mall and bustling through the aisles,
Where everyone's getting in my way.
Each blank zombie we shop and face forty smiles.

Time comes for prayer attack,
Grab a pair of pants or a sweater from the rack.
Find a changing room and latch the door,
Set aside excuses and hit the floor.
As I go back to the mall,
It's easier then to make sense of it all.

There was a time next to the river;
There was a time in the school hall.
There was that stairwell in that building,
There was that forest in the fall.
The movie house corridor,
The airplane kitchen in the sky.
So many places I'm sure there'll be more
Pieces of earth to testify.

[Dawud Wharnsby]

the man.

2012-02-08T00:07:00.000+08:00

i was back at that place this morning, the school i had left for close to 5 years without returning even once after. whenever i leave a certain place, the stairs, the darkest corners and the noise are what i will remember the most. so there were these stairs facing the elevator- i had loved those the most.

but why did i return? for the next 50 or 100 years, i want to remember this purpose. i came back for only because of that one man. the man who had firmly stood to his principles and belief to mould us to be better humans. we can't deny for once, that our hearts shuddered with news of his demise. for the times when we failed to understand his intentions, his scoldings, his anger..... we groaned so much. i did too, just that i'm bad enough not recalling single of them. how lucky, those who were able to be close to him and known by name. how fortunate.
as his body lay still in front of me, i stepped back further holding back all those sentiments gruelling inside me. so i didnt and couldnt look at him, even when it was for the last time.
i can remember his smile when some kids made it to success and his mild yet unrivaled determination. those smiles were rare, but they were really something one would like to witness once in a lifetime. God knows best and i'm not overstating things here.

i've not seen someone who would stand up for his religion as strongly as him, with much sensitivity not to incur His wrath, the part which most of us don't comprehend. his love was after all subtle and refined, but Allah knows best.

إِنَّ لِلۡمُتَّقِينَ مَفَازًا () حَدَآٮِٕقَ وَأَعۡنَـٰبً۬ا() وَكَوَاعِبَ أَتۡرَابً۬ا () وَكَأۡسً۬ا دِهَاقً۬ا () لَّا يَسۡمَعُونَ فِيہَا لَغۡوً۬ا وَلَا كِذَّٲبً۬ا () جَزَآءً۬ مِّن رَّبِّكَ عَطَآءً حِسَابً۬ا

اللهم اغفرله وارحمه وعافه واعف عنه

regrets.

2012-01-16T00:18:00.000+08:00

i really knew there is something not right not finishing the fries just now...

haix.

in my head.

2011-12-29T15:09:00.002+08:00

here in my head,
it's beyond imagination,
here in my head,
it's majestic and nobody knows
in my head, my head,
i want to touch the sparks,
i believe in our capabilities with confidence,
in my head,
it's a painful but sweet desire,
in my head,
it's a fleeting painful dream
here in my head,
the bright shining light,
in my head,
we are encouraged to head for tomorrow
in my head,
let my voice echo,
in my head, my head,
beyond the brilliance,
here in my head,
at the end of many tough adversities,
in my head,
we go ahead for the same future we envisioned
in my head, my head,
it's majestic and nobody knows...

[CN Blue]

ivan and willy.

2011-12-27T13:42:00.000+08:00

have you ever imagined yourself dead suddenly because of heart attack (God forbid)? what happens after that?
and while performing your morning prayer you feel like the angel of death is right behind to take away your life?

and that point of time everything that you own or wish to own becomes meaningless. and when you try to recall all that you've done, you can't. because you have forgotten. but there is so much guilt.

it's weird how i could think of death every time i sleep, though i live so much harder.

penat.

2011-12-16T23:37:00.000+08:00

words are scanty these days. mmmm....

but when we get tired we say a little. then when i get angry i say even lesser. so there, silence again ain't it?
it's tiring and finally i'd fall asleep. that's how quiet it has been.
something's got bolder though.

and i'm forever seeking forgiveness.

a teacher's advice.

2011-12-09T11:21:00.000+08:00

overworking is important for youth.

nobody's ever got overworked enough. not even me. ahah.

haven.

2011-12-08T12:40:00.001+08:00

looks.

2011-12-03T23:21:00.001+08:00

beautiful girls are those with pure intentions, hearts veiled with modesty and speak with words that don't sore the ears.

i love them. i love the light in their faces.

little things that i encounter like this make me feel weightless and comforted when you have much going on.

because not only happiness is glorious, but sadness, tiredness are also glorious in their own way. they aren't bad feelings at all. they let you be on your guard and appreciate things better.

we are thankful being, and that's what we have to be.
to me, it's after when your really sad and teared your hearts out, when you look up at the sky, that is one of the most glorious moments you can feel in life. not when your happy or overjoyed.

2011-11-30T10:55:00.002+08:00

ok that's it. i'm out.

2011-11-28T20:18:00.000+08:00

"to hold you tight at this moment.
to tell you that my world is malnourished without you."

instead.

2011-11-27T23:45:00.000+08:00

one of the greatest pleasure in my life, was to have learnt Arabic and able to understand the Qur'an. with much humility, at the very minimum level of comprehension. so, whenever i'm down, there are always soothing, truth-bearing words to lift me up. i bet we experience that; like as if those words connect and relate to what your facing at the moment. like as if it's a coincidence. well, maybe for the first time we thought. but then it happens again, and again and again.yeah?

for those words never lie and they are promises that are never empty.

no better.

2011-11-18T01:41:00.000+08:00

no matter how much i read, study...

all the time i don't think i could do this.
this fear can't be consoled and im gonna end up in despair.
just like before.

this head is full of fear and by this they say i've already failed.

thank you.

2011-11-08T12:57:00.000+08:00

rindu.

peace.

2011-11-05T23:45:00.000+08:00

the soul stays. even when the body is too busy somewhere else. your right; everything He does, it's all about us. yet we think life is unfair.

augmented matrix.

2011-11-02T19:42:00.000+08:00

that three words, just those words were so comforting.

"don't be scared."

come one now, girl, don't be scared.

not right.

2011-10-19T01:25:00.000+08:00

the way things are now, it's not right.

because i'm sullen and not enligthened. no matter how much they can make me smile and laugh, i'm not happy.

if it has to be like this then i don't like it.

i'll have to leave here.

misbehavior.

2011-10-12T19:55:00.000+08:00

felt it as it stings.
whenever i misbehaved, it will sting.

the sting sings inside you like a poisonous song, the notes lumberjacking the intestines.
the next day things become numb.

marcia alla turca.

2011-10-07T02:06:00.000+08:00

i wonder if i should loosen up a bit. but it just seems there ain't enough time. never been so sensitive to questions.

im waiting for march to march out for freedom.

for the meantime, let's all be good.

"all my windows still are broken but i'm standing on my feet.."

schubert.

2011-09-24T00:48:00.000+08:00

because we are not divine, we must always find things we can do. be it for anyone or anything. be it a little or a lot.
sometimes we get hurt along the way, but we get hurt too much don't we?
that aside.

nowadays my life really prevents me from cooping myself in my room 24/7 though sometimes i feel like it. with my hair all messy and unwashed, with a solemn and gloomy expression on my face and i'm in the clothes i wore yesterday. you can call that life sometimes. i do.

i hope everything is fine for you.

God is calling for me, i have to go.

september.

2011-09-21T01:56:00.000+08:00

it came back and ending soon. and people looked for new shoes, new pants, tops and tribal printed blazers. and it's cold from morning to evening to midnight, and till the next day it will still be cold. autumn's coming? that's funny. we're listening into that season not with deafened ears, and it welcomes you likeTchaikovsky's music piece. but i, i'm always falling behind.

they love politics, sipping into the economical conditions but the rest are going nuts. what's the world becoming? leaders are no longer leading but merely playing puppets. in this rainy mood, i don;t feel like i want to be protected anymore.

lies. that makes september solemn like my old socks.

we, depsite our achievements, are never good enough. more can be done, more can be done. and i'm falling behind even further.

during these times....

2011-09-04T00:41:00.000+08:00

you'll know when your body is losing its elements, and you can't recover it because you don't know what was lost.

and only God knows and understands how awfully scared i am when i say it is difficult. the prices i have to pay and the spirit that might be unable to be kindled anymore.

but i refuse to be beaten.

so i ask of You, for assisstance, and let my body fail me not.

for it is all i have to have to go on.

:'(

in those eyes.

2011-08-29T22:48:00.000+08:00

he was born without sight, and all he could tell her was, " if you really want to what is it like, to most people who ain't blind, the world is indeed dark for people like me." then with same enchanting smile he would laugh, and she understood a little bit more than a few minutes ago.

have someone ever wondered that those who can't view the world, could see things way beautiful and breath-taking view than us? to her, this was not a guess, but a deduction. this is because he as a person is plainly beautiful, humility-padded heart that anyone could feel its subtly mild and comforting nimbus, like snowflakes falling on one's head. that can't come from someone who only sees darkness his entire life, can it?

he would not weep for this "loss". blindess occurs within the heart, not the eyes; that's when the world would be extremely dark and indignant, he said. she pitied herself at this.

it seemed that at times, he was the way out when no one could find it; he was the courage and boldness when nobody could muster any. those who can see feared; feared of what their eyes were seeing. in these times when everybody faltered, he led them with what his heart could perceive and also as he could not fear what he couldn't see, which makes the sense. with all that chagrin embedding her veinal chambers, she found the comfort she needed.

for a little while longer. she prays to see those eyes again, regaining life.

lots to do actually.

2011-07-31T22:41:00.000+08:00

yeah, lots. this very self is still poor and shabby on the inside.

after all this time, i have only understood this whole....thing. and i am now simulating the fact that these imperfections are, but advantagious and worthwhile as they dwell in us.

humans need to be really patient. that's the essence to be, strong. and Allah is always there.

dio sa sempre meglio :)

black hole.

2011-07-29T00:27:00.000+08:00

on to the event horizon and into the black hole. in complete darkness, and maybe i'll be colliding with light. or maybe i would think i would be, because i would be blind- all light is absorbed.

i wonder if it's timeless. any matter entering the black hole with be grinded or to be precise, spaghettised. time itself is probably just an illusion, dwelling in minds as existing particles. oh? maybe not. i don't know. but when we talk about time warp, i'm quite pessimistic in that.

to travel back in time, for humans to be able to go back to the past, travelling at a speed faster than light...i mean, the last part may be possible..but then where are we going?

would we be going back to the past? through that wormhole?

God knows best....really.

mine.

2011-07-10T22:55:00.000+08:00

don't suggest things and expect others to carry them out.
everybody can make choices. it's their lives whatever they do with it.
they can be violent when they are angry. or just silent.
laugh when in despair or cry when in joy.

what comes after that is their responsibility to face it, for you see, in the end it's their choice. right from the start to the end.

God is fair after all. and He knows best.

17 days.

2011-07-02T19:03:00.000+08:00

just when truth struck us, backlashing from the back and it shall harm us-inevitably. but sometimes we can't help it but to thank God for that knowledge in the end. your humble servant here really aint know anything at all, forgive me.

dies has it, all my concerns for what i did to you and never have i cared. but for that short while when i did, thank you for the warmth accommodation.

i wont want to grow up to be an ignorant adult, who may know everything, but understand none. walk in new shoes and you will understand how these people are like.

starfish.

2011-06-15T12:42:00.001+08:00

she was playing detective when the hole swallowed her in. as she drifted descendingly, the wind screeched beside her. it happened, she knew, because she did not listen. she had failed despite the promise not to repeat it. there was so much she could say, but she failed and her foolishness was intractable.

the magnifying glass she had treasured so much was broken in her hands and her skin soiled and abrased. few of those words she failed to keep and time could not wind back to where she was safe and sound- in bliss as to which she would recall searching for starfishes underneath those big rocks with you, and the pleasure as you played with her fingers. and many others which she dearly remembers.

she hopes it would rain, as they say, it works like a magician and makes things dissapear.

debts.

2011-06-10T22:28:00.000+08:00

by the sea we sat, and our eyes turned blue. i wonder if there should be a time, when he would understand and ask again.

it's hard to keep a straight face to someone with an everlasting smile and amicable glib of 'hello' every where they go.

another will come who will deserve that qualities better. and by this friendship, i hope i've cleared the 'debt'.
and thanks.
thanks for noticing.

am not built for that.

2011-06-04T21:12:00.000+08:00

yet, im the worst person ever; for not knowing which direction to move forward to and trying too hard not harbouring hopes for anything.

i only have faith for others and i keep none for myself.

God knows best.

another graduation.

2011-05-25T23:04:00.000+08:00

it was pure awesomeness, i could feel the vibe in my heart and it's still rocking in trance. and that awesomeness is gone by now, with just few hours ago i was hoping that you know, time would move slower. but one thing, i could have been prouder to graduate if i had worked harder. this kind of thing is a habit, to hanker over things i wish i could have done but i didn't. i was burning inside through out for i know, i could have done better. nevertheless, alhamdulillah.

and i dont want to say how i wish those people that i used to call Sang Kancil, Unta and Kerbau would be there with us. because if i did, i'd be making you guys' effort to waste; that determination, patience and perserverance all...regretful. God makes no mistakes, guys. one day we'll all know why things go the way it is. it's dissapointing, but that's just the nimbus exuded from our limbic system.

so now out to find another direction, and goodness, i dont know where to start.

shall i start from my right..?

gold-plated towers.

2011-05-16T16:33:00.001+08:00

Biarlah kehilangan semua yang dimiliki di dunia
Asal masih adanya kamu....

and probably i've got it all wrong. im not giving up, but i've totally lost it all. i wonder if there will be compensation for the sleeps i've lost. im not going to hanker on that, but for all the rush it had incurred, it was all so....dejecting rushing like a total idiot. it was only those prayers that ever helped me to escape.

in the end, it's our own game and sometimes, we have to understand that it's not all about fumbling for the destination we are diverted to. who knows, it's probably some kind of suspense or better still a test, to subsume us whether we are among those who would stand up for ourselves or not.

im almost believing, as long as there is faith, there is no wrong decision. abreast with anything else i have, faith feeds my hunger and greed. these are my frays that i've tied up, despite the very mess.

that dream.

2011-04-30T23:01:00.003+08:00

somewhere in a bustling city you smiled right back at me, in that navy tunic. held the Book in your arms...and you were talking to me for the longest time i have ever remembered.

i was asking,"what are you doing now?"

you stuck out your fingers and said, "first, i'm choosing..."

then i woke up.

choosing what?

possession.

2011-04-26T23:30:00.001+08:00

if you have Allah in your heart, that is wealth, true happiness, tranquility and everything; you have everything.

and everything is Him..

no matter how i look at it, i don't have a place in this world. for all the good things that are abreast in company, i am thankful for that.

i will not forget that i am still standing on that same piece of crap. i know i'm getting very crude, but i think that is just how i am. sorry if that hurt you. beacause until now, i don't what is happening between us. and truthfully, i have no idea how to mend that gap.

patience.

2011-04-24T20:14:00.000+08:00

i am nearing to the answer, and i'm only waiting.
it's not the time for any decision.

i need a favor from them people to not ask and just be ignorant.for once, it's not a wrong thing.

2011-04-22T22:46:00.000+08:00

i don't know how i can do without, i just need you now.

of praises.

2011-04-17T23:42:00.000+08:00

the isle is full of noises,
sounds and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not.
sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
will hum about mine ears; and sometimes voices,
that, if i then had wak'ed after long sleep,
will make me sleep again.--- Shakespear, The Tempest.

and that as i press my forehead and nose close to the floor, that gentle greatness imbued in my tattered old soul. that exalted glory, ironically makes me want to keep a shut-eye, stay in bed melting that weariness dwelling in my veins.
but this...this very weariness as it pull away like from some gravity, reminded me that faith is something incommensurable.

words are always understated for faith. overlooked and ridiculed.

but for infinity, surprisingly, i find that it holds you strong.

2011-04-12T21:46:00.000+08:00

humility is not that all simple.

we all have pride, and being humble might hurt that pride.

but i realize it is the pride we have in those little things that hurt the most. very, very little things. something for mankind to ponder on for we always, always forget our own actions and reactions to things, to what people say and do.

and im saying this as someone who's not at all smart, but at least, i know where i stand.
and i'm on my way to believing i can be a better person.

children.

2011-04-10T23:40:00.002+08:00

their laughter and gags and stubborness. i love them for being that way. and that i want to hear those sounds again for they don't bring me pain.

those that are stopped.

2011-04-06T20:19:00.002+08:00

an invisible sign of me. just a little peek into the book, i know its a worthy read. read a few pages and the way she stops things is thrilling. imagine telling your piano teacher, after being proud of you for your perfect recital, "don't you ever come to my house again." and the teacher would go like "whaaat...?" i thought for a moment, she's nuts. i mean i would never do that. and she stops doing many things, to find there is actually beauty in it. and so because i read like only 2 or 3 pages, i dont know what happened after that. she's a number freak, gave up almost all of her birthday gifts including the red dress her aunt gave her to some stranger on her sixteenth birthday who lives in a unit with a '16' in it. impetuous.whimsy.perangai. and it's just because she doesnt like red. gosh. but the only thing that makes me sad is her mother. who won't buy her maths books. she's a number freak, why not? sad. very sad. what's so wrong with maths workbooks. does her mother know how kids out there want to be good with those numbers but just can't. does she know how they scratch their heads? anyway, it's just a story. but that could really be the fact with some parents nowadays. *shrugs* for some reason....she stopping things like that, gives a good feeling.to me. if there is anyone in the world who would ask you to stop, she would be one of them, and....i might just be one too. sometimes if we dont know when to stop, there'll so much rushing and i hate that since the day i realized it. it never happens so i won't know how it'll be if time were to stop for a while, and we can catch a little of breath. and on her twentieth birthday....guess what she got? honestly i can't remember. though they were the first words i read.hah.peace.

Sweets for the heart...

2011-03-19T12:19:00.003+08:00

"..I'm looking at those eyes now and those rosy cheeks and that smile of yours that could melt even the hardest of hearts.."

God is great. So are His plans.

tawakkal.

2011-03-13T20:54:00.001+08:00

it won't go away.
im on the verge of tears already. but i cant stop scratching my head.

who?

2011-03-09T22:17:00.003+08:00

and mummy says, "always remember others' good deeds to us, and remember our bad deeds to others."

it's very easy to get carried away, right?

who remember theirs...? and who stand learnt and corrected..?
we had that drainage monitor to mumble his way, and it turned out to be an "out-of-date" statement. nice.

would someone one day, proclaim that all those masacre was a mistake...?
ah.

differences.

2011-03-07T11:13:00.002+08:00

is there a difference between life and soul?

say, if life was taken away... we'll die.
and if the soul was taken away... we'll die right?

so are life and soul the same?

He knows best.

eyes.

2011-03-04T20:26:00.003+08:00

we have chances yet we flee
'had time yet wasted,
'having the hope yet we missed.
we could speak
and allign the words in
a way people could understand
we could promise,
write down, engrave thousands of resolution
on trees and others' walls
but yet we failed to move.
but oh God....
praises I sing to Him
it ain't a lot of work to make
what was written and engraved
into a piece of gold.
for what we have right then and now,
is our hope
to make, to change, to win.

and for me, i'm an idiot- no matter what i do, i'd still be an idiot.

God knows best. peace.

in case you might want to know.

2011-03-02T10:28:00.003+08:00

fyi, i'm not angry.
even if i was, i've let it go.

on the surface.

2011-02-25T10:58:00.003+08:00

see, as we keep on watching and anticipating...
here it comes again. oh yes. gaddafi oh gaddafi.

there are many reasons why suddenly the arab countries, with all the rebellion and riots, if we were to look at it, relate it to things that have passed. it could be good, it could be bad too. God knows. because there will always be monkeys picking fruits on others' trees. :/

maybe...this will be a retrospective revolution for the others to see. well, whatever their opinions are. and those youths who are like me but are not like me. if i was among them, i'd be a total let-down. so here i was some time ago, blabbering of not wasting time which for most of them, is like an obligation as going to college is a compelling waste-another-4-years which at the end of that 4 years there is no telling they are getting good jobs. oh no scratch that- whether they could get jobs or not. why? because when a cert has no market value, it's just a piece of paper.

may Allah be with them for whatever they are fighting for because even as we read the papers, that is just how far we could understand. for what's happening in Bahrain...what is our stand?

God knows best.

higher.

2011-02-20T23:15:00.005+08:00

When dreaming I'm guided to another world
Time and time again
At sunrise I fight to stay asleep
'Cause I don't want to leave the comfort of this place
'Cause there's a hunger, a longing to escape

From the life I live when I'm awake

So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay?

Can you take me higher?
To a place where blind men see
Can you take me higher?
To a place with golden streets

Although I would like our world to change
It helps me to appreciate
Those nights and those dreams

But, my friend,
I'd sacrifice all those nights
If I could make the Earth and my dreams the same
The only difference is
To let love replace all our hate

Up high I feel like I'm alive for the very first time
Set up high I'm strong enough to take these dreams
And make them mine
Set up high I'm strong enough to take these dreams
And make them mine

Can you take me higher?
(creed)

i have come to realise, loneliness can come from unsatisfactory of not being able to do enough. i'm no hero...but i just want to help. just helping for i know i don't have enough to salvage....
oh God...

this friend of mine.

2011-02-19T02:18:00.004+08:00

this friend of mine who always go with the flow, with a smile on his face and people might think he's naive. he knew what topics to chat about, continuously on the train to the time i had to alight. i recalled him asking about my passion...and i think i'm glad to have escaped that. oh well.
and always going with flow and never knowing how to say no to requests, and unbelievably fulfilling each of them without much sweat. i wouldn't call that superman, but he's just super i guess. hm.

always going with the flow...and even when it comes to protecting the country, he takes on that attitude without flinching or shuddering of what is/are to come. see, his knowledge, as he had told me was almost nought about the national service. PES A... and he's all smiles.

always going with the flow...i don't find any sin or wrongness in it. rather than people telling me they would succumb fate. get real already.

because of this friend of mine, who goes with the flow, it plucks out the stubborness in me to embrace every single thing and fighting too much with the flow of things. to me, get real already. and i realised myself...by talking to him again, i can feel the world is opening up again. to me. i'm getting the whole theory wrong all this time.
so i'm the bummer. bumming with the all the stubbornness in my head, rushing here and there trying to get somewhere that is yet so far like a peacock trying to fly. so it's okay now. rather than always trying to be strong, this friend of mine who's gentle enough to go with the flow, said all the best to me.

how i needed that.
how that melted away part of my anxiety.

without much word said, thank you for understanding.

and how much i needed that.
very much.

nanonanonano.

2011-02-04T20:58:00.002+08:00

i'm losing myself lately. softened by i don't know... money?cats?love?age?

i'm not trying to find the me two years ago. but just not too...vulnerable like this. at this stage, even bibik's jemput-jemput udang could make my legs wobble. but seriously i won't be able to forget that- bibik's jemput-jemput udang. the prawns were so succulent. oh God....

anyway.
i have to brace myself. for there are things...which are to come and i don't wish seeing myself out of the ring. no, baby. please.
but just the thought of them is creeping me out of my pants.
brr~

in halves.

2011-01-31T01:55:00.002+08:00

what am i worth?

sod, i'm really envious of you that i can die.

bye.

scattered.

2011-01-27T00:34:00.003+08:00

she wrote something about places... good old places. those were the days and those were her haven.
haven.

but where are they now, she wonders. everything's a mess. she tries to fix the asunder, but who knows what will come of it.

who knows? because she doesn't.

that night.

2011-01-23T23:06:00.002+08:00

too few things are unconditional, while everything is conditional (contradicting?). and that they come with a price, and every price comes with a tax.
its bloody sardonic.
but like power, things as intricate as this, will be misused.
people may have brain and courage and wealth, but they don't understand. even when they are treated like donkeys seated on a sacred perch.
its derision, but they don't understand.

lomo talk.(old journal)

2011-01-22T22:51:00.000+08:00

"don't think, just shoot."
then crawls the 10- Golden -Rule.

Agfa hops in while and demands, "Vista? B&W?"
So Fuji-135 interrupts, "sensia? neopan? velvia? reala? superia? provia?"

in the end, the biggest among them retorts, "34 rolls- take it or leave it."
and it won.

so now comes Diana and Holga, prancing under the sun.
"you leak too much, dude."says Holga
"and your too amateur.." Diana sulks and dismantles itself.

so its Holga!! Long live Holga!!

oh God, this is ultimately crap. i just can't sleep. haix. -.-
______________________
ok CUT!
so this was like composed october last year and drafted. its too hellish for a crap. what was i thinking??

midnight train.

2011-01-21T00:21:00.002+08:00

to be very honest, i find it hard. every night catching the trains and busses home trying to keep those eyes opened when i get home. for someone like me, i find it hard actually. i wonder though how can this be lifted...just a tad so i won't slouch on the weight. God is amazing, and i'm anticipating this 'lift'. really i am. because he always lifts me up.

and why i wonder, during PMS, even after reaching the M stage, my appetite sucks. but today, i guess, i was saved by Superman. a super cool one. :)
ah, i'm beat. sore eyes. aching shoulders. throbbing head. am age-smitten. haix.

vacant.

2011-01-18T23:43:00.002+08:00

because your too busy being proud and pitying yourself, you won't be able to see anything. and i'm..... i'm sick of that.

airwaves.

2011-01-15T23:44:00.003+08:00

sometimes, even the finest camera could not capture things the eye could see it.

not completely at least.

i read very well.

2011-01-03T20:08:00.004+08:00

when was the last time, that i could remember having time for myself?

i can't.

i want to get rid of this dwelling jealousy and be free.

please.

plain.

2011-01-01T23:29:00.002+08:00

in everything that's plain, simple... i find bliss in it.

i just wanna say, thank you. yes to you.
for?
for always believing in my InsyaAllah. never doubting and always smiling when i say that. in all plannings... there is always that word 'insyaAllah' and i dare not forgetting to say that.

insyaAllah is a word i use, when i put my heart the most in something.
thank you.

child.

2010-12-30T22:46:00.002+08:00

i felt like a child today. running with no crick-cracking of my ankles though i cut the flesh at tip of my index fingie.
why was that? hmm.

like a child i'm running.
but unlike a child i'm anticipating... death.
when i close my eyes, that's what i would think of, like an ill-stricken man.
i don't think there is anything wrong with that, is there?

is there?

ornery.

2010-12-27T00:13:00.000+08:00

there'll be times, i thought, you'd make me cry.

rictus.

2010-12-25T23:47:00.003+08:00

good things that go, will come back or better ones will chase in. with terms and conditions applied.

and dude, your faith stinks.

serene.

2010-12-21T07:52:00.001+08:00

iris.
the morning felt so real. as she looked at the window, she knew it was beautiful.

dislike.

2010-12-17T20:40:00.002+08:00

i dislike it.
US$11 million squandered for a christmas tree.................?? i'm at the edge of tears for crying out loud.

damn these rich people.

you could have given me, maybe not all, just 0.0001% out of that, and i would further my studies abroad perform pilgrimage for that once in my life and maybe enough to get married.

stupid.

bliss.

2010-12-11T16:16:00.000+08:00

i miss his hands making sushi. and that i would not trade it with anything else in the world.

it feels like tonight.

2010-12-01T21:36:00.000+08:00

humans can get smarter, yeah? when things like that smack right at our heads, we panick of course- we should. but the mind provides solutions, even if it is only one them, something can be resolved. thank God. but right now... i wonder if i could implement every one of them for i have limited time and means and motivation. the whole thing is building up pressure in my lungs and hitting, pounding, throttling at the back of my throat. it just gets heavier i wonder if i'm dragging my feet. there are things i refuse to accept as an answer or what they call it as 'reasons'. if it's not for pride and absurdness i would be begging on his feet.
the Plain White T's, Lady Gaga, White Lies and even Daughtry will not comprehend this even though they are experts in subtlety. shit.

i'm cursing but am i totally blameless? this pile of shit under my feet is starting to stink big time. i can't stand it. i really can't.

3 years.

2010-11-27T10:11:00.002+08:00

3- year timeline there all is, and it has yet to end. and i found myself always trying to reach out, making up for the time i have squandered.
there are words i am not able to say, names i wanted to call. but things have not phase out that far while i am not able to give that much; more than this.

not just yet.

wants.

2010-11-14T18:41:00.002+08:00

only time tells that these
papers that age a decay of radioactivity,
when that time will come just when it
had begun,
so safe i want the past to bring back
the voices we had raised and whispered,
right over now.
my hair will turn red by the river,
as the swan played the grand piano
with special fingers- anxiety in the pocket
of its wings.
afraid of the future i am,
though i'm walking through the wormhole,
probably lost in nothingness,
yet with faith that is not scarce.

am i?

2010-11-13T23:49:00.003+08:00

there are many things i want to cry about, but i didn't.

someone, any way please? i'm at lost and i don't know what i can do.

is this it? i have to give it up now?

ailed.

2010-11-10T22:39:00.001+08:00

flu bug's got me again.

and i couldn't tell because it is you. ultimately.

that was what i thought you had meant.

the mean girl.

2010-11-06T23:05:00.002+08:00

she strides down to nowhere, maybe to the bottomless abyss, though she knows she would enter into a probable nothingness, darkness. but who says?
she doesn't need reasoning this time nor proper wordings. her conscience is clear and then there is lust. but what does her God says to this?

what was wrong with her and the heat- truths she could not excavate.
what was it? she seems to have forgotten it all.

autumn.

2010-10-30T20:52:00.002+08:00

it is just main curiosity or mere interest, either one or both, i had put up Japan's temperature gadget on my deskptop. and it's 13 degrees Celcius over there. cold or what when i'm already shaking under my blanket at 24 degrees. haha. but i love it like this, this season. :)

i finally managed to finish up the monthly 'National Geographic' magazine and this time it's about the chimps and of course Jane Goodall. when she mentioned about recalling herself stepping into Gombe 'when all the world was new' and the spiritual power that she 'can breathe in it'. it dawned on me the same thing when i visit places i had gone to before, with ample of convictions- more then memories. i wouldn't know what reaction Jane Goodall could have chosen to perceive this, but for me... i would want to scream. sometimes these places invoke senses of freedom, free falling and i would want to remember every single thing at every nook and crank.

it ain't gonna be autumn here. but the gravity is forever stable and perhaps we are poised by now. November is just a few trods away, and that's when Chopin will come play. :)

peace.

2010-10-15T16:21:00.000+08:00

stronger through time. stronger than steel.

i'm going on solo for the longest time i shall remember.

executioner.

2010-10-11T17:18:00.002+08:00

humans easily forget things. much did i get angry over some stuff, i had forgotten to free myself. it left me a heartache and hopelessness and hankered over it. i have to let myself free now. and to them, take care of yourselves. i can't be responsible for what you may see and think. because each day i am killing the bits of temperament control and i may just get lost in track. never mind if it is never fair. humans must have the intelligent attitude towards fate- like Sisyphus.

i was mucnhing over few strands of noodles with salted fish, with the sudden comfort basking my skin. the fan was blowing right into my face and for a moment my whole body was in utter relaxation. my brain was not straining- just the nerves pulsing melodiously in its own song. how i wish the peilicans, crabs, bluefin tuna and turtles of the Mexican Gulf can feel such comfort. i only believe all these are drawbacks in exchange for the luxury of resources.

in life, i just want to go up and up and up to the skies. i doubt i have lost contact with my childhood, so i bet i can see heaven. i am no executioner of fate- just a companion.

timing.

2010-10-07T22:19:00.002+08:00

you know, when things have yet to take place, optimists that i knew of would say it is just the timing. "you'vre got what it takes, but it is just the time has not come yet." i was told that before and i happily waited for things i believed in, though nothing was manifest except for my own blood and sweat shed. no matter how it drained the fluid in my body, i waited still for during that time i kept on perceiving dreams and desires in my head whenever my eyes were shut. complacent? conceited? convicted? i do not know which one.

now, before i realise it, the testing period has come again. waves of it backwash my ass like a lashing whip. it makes my whole body pulse like electric current passing through my veins to my brain. sleep did not matter again- whether i sleep or not makes no difference. so here again timing plays that part well. i will not falter. even the rain has been like hair; tangled and uncombed. i am not waiting frozen in one spot. the time is moving and i have got to learn from this.
when the next tide of timing comes, i want to be stronger than steel.
and unto Him i shall find comfort.

crap.

2010-10-06T23:37:00.003+08:00

with all the crap i am getting from here and there, i think i can be angry now. i am not talking about myself being crapped out, but just crapped out of. is there a difference? well, there is. next lesson, i'll ask for a cane so good luck kids.
for kids, a cane.
for grown-ups?
well, we should know well the answer. in the end, it's your responsibility. what gibberish are we mumbling about using those words? damn it. and for goodness' sake crying that loud- loud enough to explode those ear drums.
where's the responsibility towards ourselves? and i don't think they would understand what responsibility i'm talking about.

ah forget it.

ape ni?

2010-10-05T23:12:00.002+08:00

what is up with 'masuk meminang' thingy lately. i've had enough of this, man. i feel like crying already.
nature will take its course, and while that happens, He shall guide me through.

but just enough already. i've hurt so that soul so much and i think this is enough.

unsaid.

2010-10-03T23:41:00.001+08:00

i wonder if i am ever able to say it. i promise i'll do what i vow. i'll break it no more. :(

wonderful.

2010-10-01T23:25:00.001+08:00

a wonderful, so wonderful person you are. you are amazing just the way you are.
really amazing.

himitsu.

2010-09-27T00:53:00.000+08:00

he was standing on the bridge looking up to the sky that was too bright and clear, since the last time he had knew it. the day before, he was accussed of ignorance and extreme cruelty just because he let that soul went away, maybe to no return. his fault was it? it felt too light-headed or perhaps it happened too quickly to believe it was not one of his occassional nightmares. the corpses of salmon lingered below the fungi-shrouded bridge, but he found the filth of both harmonizing in that summer heat. blazing was not only the sun but his trampled anger and frustration from the accussations; useless was the start while scumbag upgraded them to lout and wastrel. he shut his eyes in attempt to calm his indignance as the eastern wind broke and whipped on his nose. it is not true he did not know a thing about that soul. whatever that causes pain and brings agony, he wanted to take exit to those doors. so he let go.
he had written on his desk, a piece of note he made into a letter and delivery by the hands of the breaking wind. he let allay his feelings and not hoping for anymore to come. he felt nothing bitter, but sweetness in cold sweat. everything that took place bore secrets, in which he may choose some to keep.

to one song.

2010-09-22T00:10:00.001+08:00

while waiting for the day to come,
we hugged ourselves in the windy coldness,
bizarre memories hitting us,
and since we were young
blaming ourselves had been ordinary.
we fell short and distance from
courage was dominant
while we were crying to ourselves
for that weakness and idiocy.
for that very same reasons
we could not wipe our own sweat
and let our hands down,
believing ostrich was born stupid.
and because of dreams,
we have come to hate sleeping
when there is no telling if
we could fly at all.

keteguhan.

2010-09-19T21:19:00.001+08:00

teguhkan hati, dan biarkan aku bebas. pandangan itu mungkin adalah yang terakhir bila ia mampu memberi senyuman. aku hanya mencari redhaMu, Tuhan. dan janganlah perasaan ini menjadi duka dan benci, kerana aku tidak akan mampu menanggung perit seperti mereka yang tidak mengenal iman.

tidak akan aku biarkan ia menjadi lebih daripada cintaku padaMu.. kerana aku hanya mencari redhaMu.
lindungi aku, Tuhan.

2010-09-17T12:01:00.001+08:00

i have foreseen some regrets.

is this fate?

lessons.

2010-09-15T23:13:00.002+08:00

life has gotten so simple. i don't what's happening here but when it struck me, my heart feels heavy.
outstanding tasks after exams, and tomorrow is the day to carry them out. technically, we need courage.

thoughts.

2010-09-15T00:21:00.003+08:00

it went through my mind. i recalled upon the Hatter. in the whole story i picture him as a figure of kindness. see, it's the Hatter of Alice in Wonderland i'm talking about.
at the end of the story, the Hatter told the Alice that she will not remember him. it was only fact that he was Alice's memory and somehow those words were really heart-felt. he only said that due to anxiety. sometimes you will just know whether you can meet a person again or not and words like these will blabber from your mouth. i wonder how assured he was when Alice told him she will not forget him. the last scene of the Hatter was him smiling away wilfully to Alice's words. and then poof, back to reality.
so will Alice not forget the Hatter?

God knows. and who cares anyway. i watched that show because of johnny depp.

awak paham tak?

2010-09-14T00:18:00.002+08:00

people get it tough to understand what is kindness. the Japanese will call it "yasashi" or "tsubarashi" and even more 'fine-tuned' ones (in my opinion) like "aware". these are different expressions of kindness, and the levels of which they describe something or someone. at any point of level, it is just natural people take kindness for granted. if you think the world is turning against you, just in case, think again. kindness shrouds the hell out of the universe and humans are blind. so blind that the eyes lose their functions. with the 's' for plural.

for me, kindness is not only what is done for or to me. i have thought through this for a long time and sometimes it's hard or rather almost naive to say we can sense people's good heartedness from their smiles. silence is too another level of kindness. but of course when it's done to me, it goes right through the heart.
stragnely though... sometimes kindness can make me feel defeated. God knows.

i watched 'meet Bill' today... it's rather m18 (it's not the point here) but the ending is especially "tsubarashi'. i'm being frank of the things i watch and i was just looking forward for the ending from the 'cuts' i saw on youtube. anyway... this tv show had a lot of kindness which may be subtle and i think nobody will get what i mean here so just forget it.

i'm just crapping before getting to those notes again. and i'm off now.
oh yeah, i just have to admit this- people who always say they are busy and say if have time to spend with friends are especially rude. and if i was one of them... i apologise from the bottom of my heart.

i want to be a good person. and i'm watching.

2010-09-12T00:14:00.000+08:00

you just have to believe. it is only then you will see.
and today, i admit defeat. and i am sulking. that, and my indigestion. your stomach will be empty, but it won't take any food in. i am sulking because i have to force myself to eat though i felt like throwing up when the food reached my throat.
but i am fine now. i guess. i just have to start tomorrow with a smile.

calmness.

2010-09-10T02:06:00.002+08:00

aku perlukan ketenangan malam ini. hatiku sendu dengan pelbagai dugaan, dan aku tidak perlukan mereka yang menyinggung atau menyakat buat saat ini. dengan zikir dan takbir... lenturlah hati, lembutlah jiwa dan menitis air mata kerana sesuatu yang aku rasakan tidak pernah cukup walau 100 tahun aku hidup lamanya. kini hari-hari yang mereka akan titi akan kembali seperti biasa; yang ingin menambah nasib, yang ingin memperbaiki nasib, yang ingin mengubah nasib, yang ingin mencuba nasib dan mungkin juga yang mencari nasib semuanya akan bekerja keras. sudah berkali-kali aku menepuk dada menahan kemahuan, dan setiap kali diri terasa sedikit tersepit dan perit, kadangkala menangis. inikah kelemahan? aku semakin sengajakan diriku rasa begini, hanya kerana satu perkara. aku harapkan kemerdekaan diri.

dilahirkan merdeka, begitu jua mahuku di hari kematian. biar dipandang janggal, namun jiwaku punya ketenangan dan Dia menjadi cintaku.

thank you.

2010-09-08T20:25:00.003+08:00

this year again i am able to greet you alive by hand and many of the things that could not have happenned took place when your here. the pain i had was tremendously healed and i am addicted just to sit there and recite the words of our Lord. at times i would have severe headaches when i remained vigil, where the neurons felt they got twisted or intertwined with the blood vessels, i was at the least grieving about it. that was how much freedom i have gained just when your here.
i had let go much of the putrid hard feelings... because i want freedom. is it only when my heart turns pure, freedom will never be mine. perhaps people will not understand this feeling, but when you do, do tell me about it. sometimes, it feels that i am floating, if not flying.

but tomorrow is goodbye again, though i thought you could just stay longer and the days would elapse slower. i want you to remember me, though i know perhaps you won't. to see you again, i need to be alive and so i'll pray as you are one of His wonders i live for.

let it not be a confusion whether we should be happy or sad. for what i know, that happiness is only for a day, while this longing for you will remain forever.

despite all,
thank you, for Ramadhan this year.

i came back.

2010-09-06T00:21:00.002+08:00

i came back to that place unconsciously. good luck, fadhilah, your at your own risk.
tomorrow is another packed-with-jam day, and tuesday is exam. am nervous somehow to get started. tomorrow night, no more disruptions and no baking. absolutely none.

please.

this afternoon, Luqman cried when i gave him that 'hard' exercise and teared on the pathetic sheet. after then, he gave me a 'thank you' green packet to my listlessness of his intention, ended up i forgot to take it anyway. boys have this stubborness, which can dissapear in minutes and come back again in that few minutes. nasib baik budak kecik...
and then this thing called sixth sense- at 11pm tonite, it riled up again and i wonder what this will bring about next. am i expecting something to happen from here or do i want something to happen? either way, both are nerve-wrecking.

it's 0027 hours- i am hoping that she won't make the same mistake i did. i wish i could tell her not to be conceited as i was. moody at 22 years of age...is not relevent. sometimes life maybe too simple for you, and sometimes we tend to take it the intricate way. but i'm just a joker- nobody thinks that life is simple, or at least the majority. hah.

but sometimes i do think that life is simple. when i think of freedom, letting go of some hard feelings... oh yeah, life is simple as it a stretch of freedom under my feet.
that is why i think... people can fly.

places.

2010-09-05T00:45:00.002+08:00

humans leave traces wherever they go. for those who know where to look, it will be visible for them each they pass by, or at least traces in the mind. for many places we go, we remeber them by the things we did, said and felt. traces... true, they are not easy to find because they don't last.

for once i've been to a place where both of us had fallen, so deep that there was no way we could pretend anymore. so i kept telling myself, no way am i going back to that and now that things are so uncertain. and then there are also places ive been to, where they left me with longing despite the happiness it gives. longing for that moment spent to come again... and usually they don't. how it made me float the whole day and smile in my sleep like a moron.
and i'm longing... with that phone on my hand waiting. and it urged me to visit that place again, telling myself 'it is just to see'- but no way it was like that. i've become more vicious than ever to admit this for denying for so ever long and did nothing but stupid worthless stuff. whatever for, Fadhilah?
it has become poisonous that place is. i'm never showing up again.

this 'hidden feelings' i don't want them anymore.

i seek Your guidance.

good heart.

2010-09-04T01:02:00.001+08:00

a good person is with a smile,
and a good heart.

25th night.

2010-09-03T22:39:00.002+08:00

sometimes that old man is getting on my soft nerves. he makes me so sad so pissed off. what's up with that stucked up attitude?

you make me so sad. just go and figure out things for yourself.

:'(

the 24th night.

2010-09-03T07:40:00.002+08:00

greatness. and i took that day as a gift. watever it might be.

for once i never thought it would reach.

i think i will keep those words, laughing to myself as i sat alone under the lights.

even when i slept i was smiling... and smiling.

it may be silly but for something i would never dream of, it was worth 'thinking too much' and getting all nervous.

thank you.

poetry.

2010-09-02T02:50:00.000+08:00

ever dreamt
me in the middle
surrounded by them
whose faces bear light
whose heart carries faith;
innocence;
purity.
who age with wrinkles,
frailness and wizened,
never leaving them is
sincerity.
as i sit in the middle of these people,
i would like you to know
they never lose their guts
to care for Islam.
irregardless of what happened in their lives
to the hardest of them all
i would like you to know this
even when i have lost dictionary of beautiful words
this is no longer an intended peotry
but a message to you
hoping you could revive those feelings that are
beyond words.

in the bus.

2010-08-30T18:58:00.002+08:00

i was on the bus,
it was super crowded
where asses met asses and just then the bus jerked.
100 demerit point for the bus driver.
i was pushed to the end of the corner of the bus
when i bumped into a guy. i said sorry and he gave me an irritated look.
ok, so what, fine he didn't seem pleased, for just trying to be invisible with those
stinking earpiece stuck in his ears.
i'm cool with that.
then another guy came into the corner and the bus jerked. again.
suddenly i was holding 'big gulp' and the drink spilled on the trying-to-be-invisble guy
and just nice, i had to say sorry again.
things could have been fine, when the other guy chirped.
he was trying to blame me and making me compensate for dirtying the guy's shirt.
hell, which part of it was his business?

thank goodness this was just a dream.
i wonder what i would do if it really happens.

maryam.

2010-08-27T23:28:00.002+08:00

night has fallen again. should i be on bed, eyes shut and mind wonder in space? the day starts early for me tomorrow and i can't afford getting sleepy. only thaqif will be awaiting at the table tomorrow, and i hace to brace myself with lots of patience- i slapped him yesterday. given that circumstances, i could not give away the limited time we had and just as bad, i wanted him to do well.

my wish today is, may humans not be full of themselves, be it they realise it or not.
Amin~